Back in the earlier years of our marriage, Handsome Husband and I experienced a huge desire gap. (Check out this post for more ideas on Bridging the Desire Gap). It seemed like he was always horny. And I wasn’t. Or at least his higher desire overwhelmed my lower desire so I couldn’t recognize it. And when Handsome Husband started making those eyes at me, I would feel like he only wanted me as the object of his sexual release. This led to me feeling used and generally disinterested in sex. First, I stopped wanting sex. Then I stopped enjoying sex. Then I began rejecting his overtures for sex. My behaviors made my husband frustrated, angry, and feeling sex starved. This dynamic created “Bad juju” between us surrounding sex and led to years of cyclical fighting and frustration on both of our parts.
Fast forward many years to the point when I decided to change my relationship with my husband and my sex life. As I threw out some of the thought distortions I had surrounding sex and began putting energy into developing my sexual relationship with husband, I learned some Big Lessons.
Image courtesy of Canva.com
My husband uses sex to connect with me. Sex is his love language. Sex is a whole cocktail of physical release, sexual energy, pleasure, stress relief, affirmation of worth, and affection for him. I don’t even pretend to understand all that sex means to Handsome Husband physically, psychologically and emotionally. I just know that frequent sex is what he needs. Sex is how he feels all those connections to me – his wife.
I have a responsive sex drive. Like a majority of women, I don’t usually develop a desire for sex until sexy things start happening. My husband on the other hand is like the 75% of men who experience spontaneous desire. Poof! They are horny. Responsive desire means that when sexy things (like kissing) start happening within a positive contextual framework (like kids in bed or weekend morning), I am much more responsive to my husband’s sexual advances. (Read more about responsive and spontaneous sex drives here.)
Sex doesn’t have to mean orgasm. I love Jessa Zimmerman’s definition of sex as “sharing pleasure and connection.” Sometimes putting the time and effort into getting to an orgasmic level just seems like too much work. Or my head is not in that orgasmic space. It took a long time of convincing before Handsome Husband finally believed me that I was OK to be a less active or responsive partner sometimes. Removing the pressure of “performing” at an orgasmic level gave me permission to just enjoy the pleasure and connection of sex. I can enjoy the smell of his cologne, the heat of his body, the sensations of pressure and warmth. And I can be great with that!
I also need sex, it just manifests differently in me. Without regular sex I get uptight, grumpy, angry and find fault with Handsome Husband. Sex provides a multitude of physical and mental benefits. Sex releases a flood of oxytocin – the bonding hormone, endorphins – the feel good chemicals, serotonin – the happy neurotransmitter, and dopamine – the reward neurotransmitter. Sex releases stress, centers my mind, and helps me sleep better.
Sexual intimacy fosters emotional intimacy. You know the old joke about a man giving talk to get sex; while a woman gives sex to get talk. It works! The natural release of those chemicals during and after sex fosters a biological and emotional connection between husband and wife. Sex fosters vulnerability, intimacy and bonding. The physical act of sharing our bodies translates over into emotional sharing and vulnerability. I absolutely adore Saturday morning sex because Handsome Husband will snuggle up with me afterward and we talk about life, worries, successes, and dreams.
To be honest, there are still a lot of times when Handsome Husband starts making those eyes at me and the little voice in my head starts the excuses, “But I’m so tired… I really don’t feel like it”. In those times, I still have to give myself the mental nudge to engage in sex with him. But when I do, we get to share pleasure and connection and I am never sorry that I said “Yes!”
Handsome Hubby is a big fan of yoga. Not that he likes to do yoga. He LOVES the benefits that I have gotten from yoga. Especially that practicing yoga has increased the openness and flexibility in my hips and inner thighs. More openness means more space for Handsome Hubby to fill. Practicing yoga has also lifted and strengthened my pelvic floor muscles. After 4 babies and 20+ years it had gotten a little loosey goosey down there. But now, he says that intercourse with me reminds him of our earlier years.
Today I want to share 5 of my favorite poses. All instructions are modified from Yoga Basics.com unless otherwise indicated.
Happy Baby
This is my go to pose when I am feeling tight through the lower back and pelvic area. It is an amazing hip opener and so relaxing. Bonus – it doubles as a fun twist on Man-on-Top position allowing deeper penetration and the angle can be excellent for G-spot stimulation. (Couldn’t find a useable pic of the actual pose, so….)
Lying on your back, bring both knees into your chest. Reach the arms through the insides of the knees and grasp the outside edge of each foot (pinkie toe side) with each hand.
Keeping your head on the floor, lengthen the sacrum and tailbone down into the floor as you press the heels up and pull back with the arms.
Press the shoulders and the back of the neck down into the floor, trying to get the back and whole spine flat to the floor. If you want a deeper stretch in the hips, let the legs open a bit wider.
Breathe and hold for 1-4 breaths.
High Plank
Better than push-ups. This pose strengthens the whole back and tightens up the core. High plank builds the strength needed for woman on top positions when you are leaned forward or lying on top so that you can hold yourself up for great kissing.
From Standing, step or jump both feet back 4-5 feet into a push-up position.
Spread the fingers wide apart with the middle finger pointing forward, press into the palms with the arms are straight. Tuck the tailbone under so the legs, hips and torso are one straight line. Press the crown of the head forward and with the toes tucked, press the heels back.
Breathe and hold for 4-8 breaths.
Bridge
Bridge is excellent for building strength in your pelvis as well as the front and back of thighs. It is so good for a Man-on-Top position when you want the strength and stamina to lift up into his thrusts. Or you could just go for a full bridge position with the man doing a kneeling entry from the front.
Lying on your back, bend both knees and place the feet flat on the floor hip width apart. Slide the arms alongside the body with the palms facing down.
Press the feet into the floor, inhale and lift the hips up, rolling the spine off the floor. Lightly squeeze the knees together to keep the knees hip width apart.
Press down into the arms and shoulders to lift the chest up. May also clasp hands together. Engage the legs, buttocks and core to lift the hips higher. May also raise up onto toes.
Breathe and hold for 4-8 breaths.
Child’s Pose
Child’s pose is a full body stretch and relaxation at the same time. It builds flexibility in the hips and lower back. Child’s pose is great for Woman-on-Top positions where you want the hip flexibility to also fold over chest to chest with your man. For a fun twist, lift your hips up on pillows or a cushion and try a rear entry position.
From hands and knees, exhale and lower the hips to the heels and forehead to the floor. Have the knees together or if more comfortable, spread the knees apart keeping the big toes together and settling the hips between.
The arms can be overhead with the palms on the floor, the palms or fists can be stacked under the forehead, or the arms can be along side the body with the palms up.
Breathe slowly and deeply, actively pressing the belly against the thighs on the inhale.
Breathe and hold for 4-12 breaths.
Warrior Series
Warrior series is a staple for building strength and balance in the legs and core. There are several warrior poses – Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Reverse Warrior and Warrior 3. I like to add Crescent into the mix because it is very close to Warrior 1. This strength and balance is essential for woman on top positions where you want to control the thrusts or any standing positions. We don’t usually get too crazy with the standing positions but if you want to try a little wheelbarrow, Warrior series is a must.
From High Lunge pose with the front knee bent, engage the legs to ground down through the feet, and inhale the hands up to the bent knee. Make sure the right knee is directly over the right ankle.
Bring the hands to the hips and square the hips and the shoulders to the front wall. Relax the shoulders down and draw the shoulder blades back to open the chest.
On an inhale, draw the arms over t head into an H position with the palms facing each other. Keep the shoulders relaxed and the chest lifted.
To go deeper, bring the palms together and carefully arch back and look up towards the ceiling.
Keep breathing and hold for 3-6 breaths.
Bonus – Goddess/ Prayer Squat
This one is the real thigh burner here. But it is amazing for building strength and stamina in the thighs. If you’ve ever wanted to try a position like hobby horse where woman is on top, Goddess pose is your secret weapon. This position gives amazing G-spot stimulation and makes your clitoris accessible for manual stimulation. Win! Win! You will definitely want the lower body stamina to keep this position going for a while.
From a standing position with the feet about 3 feet apart, turn the toes out 45 degrees facing the corners of the room. On an exhale bend the knees over the toes squatting down.
Press the hips forward, aligning head over shoulders and shoulders over pelvis.
Arm variations include: prayer hands at heart center, arms at shoulder height with bent elbows and palms facing each other, arms wide at shoulder height with palms facing ceiling or front of room.
Look straight ahead with the chin parallel to the floor. Breathe and hold for 3-6 breaths.
I hope you enjoy adding these yoga poses into your routine. As you build strength, stamina, and flexibility you will be rewarded with an enhancement to your sexy times. If you are interested in more routines and benefits of yoga, check out my favorite YouTube yoga teachers.
As Handsome Husband and I started cementing our couplehood we inevitably experienced differences in opinion and practice. Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Toilet paper over the roll or under? Ham and Potatoes or Prime Rib for Christmas Dinner? I’m guessing that like us, you probably also started working through more intimate differences in sexual preference and practice. How often to have sex? What sexual activities do we want to try out? What really gets your engine going and what throws on the brakes?
Though solving the direction of the toilet paper lie may well be the secret to marital bliss, differences in our sexual expression caused much more friction in our marriage. I spent way tooooo long either 1) trying to change Handsome Husband or 2) wondering what was wrong with me. It took a very long time for me to discover the #1 Secret to Better Sex and a Happier Marriage. Drumroll please……
We are Different – And that’s OK.
Sounds too simple, right. We know we have differences. Often those differences are what attracted us to our spouses. He is spontaneous, while she is a planner. She is fun and zany, while he is more reserved and thoughtful. He is passionate and emotive, while she is more private. Let’s quickly review some of the ways that sexually we are different.
Physical
For a more in depth discussion read Sex Ed: 101 Primer on Him and Primer on Her. Thanks to biology, Husbands generally have higher levels of testosterone. Testosterone has been proven to be one of the driver’s of sexual desire. Sexual arousal may occur more quickly and be more obvious as the male sexual organs are located out front and center. Without an erection, Intercourse is difficult to accomplish. The glans of the penis is the most sensitive area of the penis but many men prefer a firmer touch to bring them to orgasm. A single orgasm is often followed by a refractory period in which a man is unable to achieve erection.
Wives’ sexual desire is also influenced by testosterone but females have lower levels. Female arousal can take 10-20 minutes and because the sex organs are somewhat tucked away, arousal may not be as obvious. It is possible to have intercourse without sexual arousal, but not nearly as enjoyable. The vaginal canal actually has relatively few nerve endings so most women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. Rather the clitoris is the center of sexual nerve endings, and most wives require some form of clitoral stimulation to climax. Women are able to experience multiple climaxes during one experience and have little to no refractory period.
Sexual Response and Desire
Theoretically sexual response is supposed to follow a pattern of excitement, arousal, orgasm and resolution. Up to 75% of men experience a linear “Spontaneous” desire pattern of Desire – Stimulation – Arousal – More Stimulation – Climax. However the majority of women experience a “Responsive” desire pattern where desire may actually initiate after arousal. Because of this female desire can be a knotted, convoluted mess where hormones, relationship stress, and even dirty dishes can derail desire.
Preferences
More likely than not you have a list of favorite sexual activities, and so does your spouse. Top or Bottom. Slow or Fast. Lights on or off. There are too many variations in our preferences to name, and often they could change from encounter to encounter.
Despite knowing all of this about our differences, somehow when it comes to sex – we expect our partner like what we like. To speak our love language. To match our desire when and where we want it. To enjoy the same activities, touch, or stimulation. It’s then that our differences can lead to friction, hurt feelings, rejection, and worse.
Now is the time to remember the “And that’s OK” part.
Your love is interested and your aren’t – and that’s ok.
You love oral sex but your partner is “Meh” – and that’s ok.
You are slower to orgasm but they are a rocket – and that’s ok.
Get where I’m going here….
But how?
Repeat the mantra – We’re different – And that’s OK. Then….
Make a list of their strengths and why you are attracted to them.
Now look to see how those strengths impact their lovemaking style.
Talk about what you each need, want, and desire in your sexual relationship.
Embrace the differences as opportunities to explore and show love in new ways with your partner.
Is your partner more visual? – Surprise them dressed in something new and fun.
Is your early bird personality too tired for sex when the kids go to bed? – Try waking each other up with sexy touch time.
Love cuddles and connection? – Sidle up next to your spouse while watching the game or favorite show, throw a blanket over the two of you, and get close.
Take turns giving and receiving your favorite sexual activities.
“Gift” your partner in their sexual/love language.
Like everything good in life – accepting and loving your partner in and for their differences – comes with work and time. Above all remember that loving, learning, and growing is the most important part of sexual and marital bliss.
Shortly after returning from our honeymoon I made an important discovery about Handsome Husband and our relationship – he wanted sex far more often than I did. Over the course of our marriage this “Desire Gap” has been our number one source of conflict (even more than his pornography addiction.) Handsome Husband interpreted my lower level of desire as a personal rejection of him which made him feel “unloved.” I interpreted his higher level of desire as pressuring me which in turn made me defensive and feeling like he only wanted me for sex. So around and around we went, neither of us feeling satisfied or truly loved in our sexual relationship. Little did we know that we were not alone…
A University of Waterloo, Ontario study confirmed what marriage and sex therapists have (guessed at) for years.
“Desire Differences are long term couples number one source of chronic sexual distress.”(1)
Dr. David Snarsch (2) postulated that in every sexual relationship one partner will be the higher desire and one will be the lower desire. If person A desires sex every day and they are in a relationship with person B whose desire level is set at every 2-3 days then person A will be the higher desire. But if person B is in a relationship with person C whose desire level is set at once a week then person B will be the higher desire. Therefore, it is not the frequency of sex that causes conflict but rather the “Desire Gap”.
Higher Desire spouses can feel rejected, resentful, unloved, and like they have to beg for sex.
Lower Desire spouses can feel defensive, discouraged, defective and despondent.
Spouses can also experience sexual desire differently.
Emily Nagoski Ph.D talks about Spontaneous versus Responsive desire systems. Spontaneous desire is the system we are more familiar with. Person A sees an attractive person B, or thinks a sexy thought, or the wind blows just the right way and “Pow” Person A wants to have sex. Emily says that this desire system is how it works “for maybe 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women.”(3) But what if you are one of the other 85 percent of women. Are you broken? No, you may have Responsive or Context Based desire. These people begin to desire sex “only after sexy things are already happening.” Handsome Husband starts kissing your neck, or touching your breasts, or stroking between your legs and you think “This feels nice, I like this.” You may be fully into the sex before your desire kicks in to say “I want this.”
And Higher Desire/Lower Desire or Spontaneous/Responsive Desire can change with time and circumstances.
Just a few of the many factors that can influence your sexual desire:
Health – physical and mental
Relationship Issues
Stress – job, financial, kids, you name it
Age and hormone levels – pregnancy, post-partum, perimenopause
So it stands to reason that all couples at one time or another (if not at many times) will experience the “Desire Gap.” But what to do about it?
Change your Mindset – You are not Broken, Defective or Wrong. The same goes for your spouse. You are you and it just is. You must come to believe and accept this fact before you can move forward. Otherwise you get caught in the blame, wishing, and fixing game – which never works by the way.
Talk about it – This talking is not to convince your partner to come over to your side of the gap, but to help one another understand better what it means to live on your side. How does desire work for you? What (besides sex) makes you feel loved?
Play your Part Well – For Higher Desire Spouses this may mean learning to accept a “Not Tonight” not as a personal rejection or putting in extra effort to create context for their spouse. For Lower Desire Spouses this may mean learning to lean in to spouses requests or having “duty sex” sometimes. Dr. Corey Allen from Sexy Marriage Radio has several shows that talk about how Higher and Lower Desire Spouses can best fulfill their roles. Here are a couple to get you started.
Compromise – Learn to own your desire level while also opening yourself to meet the needs of your spouse. Are you willing to try any of these:
A Quickie – 10 min or less to allow your spouse sexual release.
Masturbation – Masturbation doesn’t have to mean solo. The Lower Desire spouse can hold, kiss, cuddle, assist and participate as desired while relieving them of the responsibility of the Higher Desire’s orgasm.
Not Going “All the Way” – Maybe just a little striptease, fondling or naked time.
Scheduled Sex – Knowing when sex will happen can take the pressure off of both of you.
Set the Stage for Increased Success – Remember that sex is about sharing connection and pleasure, not necessarily orgasm. What are the “brakes” that hold back sexual desire or enjoyment for each spouse? Take specific steps to “Woo” your spouse by helping eliminate some of those roadblocks. Maybe you can:
Try morning sex if nightime exhaustion is a factor
Step up the personal hygiene
Take over bedtime duty or nighttime chores to give spouse “me” time
Allow spouse free time to finish that spreadsheet or work project to clear it off their mind
Make phone calls or texts during the day to let them know you think about them more than just in the bedroom
Learn your spouse’s “Love Language” and become fluent in speaking it.
I know that bridging the Desire Gap is hard work and that it is a work in progress during the whole marriage. But I also know that doing that work will bring more peace, intimacy and sexual pleasure to your marriage. I’d love to hear your thoughts below or subscribe above for more ideas on improving sexual intimacy in marriage.
Love,
Leigh
References:
Sutherland, S.E. et al. “A Descriptive Analysis of Sexual Problems in Long-Term Heterosexual Relationships,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2019) 16:701.
Allen, Corey. “How to View Sexual Desire Differences.” Sexy Marriage Radio, 22 June 2014, smrnation.com/sexual-desire-differences/.
“Seven: Desire.” Come as You Are: the Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, by Emily Nagoski, Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2015, p. 225.
Regular exercise has long been a go-to for improving my mental state as well as my physical body. About 6 years ago I picked running back up after a 15 year lapse. (When I say running, I really mean a very slow jog.) I loved getting out of the house for alone time where I could shut out the noise and stress of my mind and focus just on my breathing and my body for 30 minutes. After my runs I felt tired but somehow also energized and more peaceful.
But age started creeping up on me. Strained muscles and overuse injuries wore my body down to where I could barely walk after even a short run. Walking is kind of essential…so I gave up running and turned to yoga trying to heal my injury. As serendipity had it, I discovered many other amazing benefits to practicing yoga — including improving my sexual relationship.
So, What is Yoga –
Yoga is a mind/body practice that originated in ancient India about 5000 years ago. Today there are many different schools and styles of yoga practice. Many yoga styles combine physical postures with breathing techniques, meditation and relaxation. My yoga practice is a very loose practice based mostly on YouTube videos. I like classes that move through the different Ashtanga positions and Vinyasa flows while focusing on breathing and mindfulness.
Sexual Benefits of Yoga
Improves Focus – One key I’ve noticed with yoga practice is the focus on breathing, or “the breath”. The pace of breathing can quicken and become fierce or slow and deepen with different postures and the flow of the sequence. As I focus my energy on “the breath” my mind shuts out the noise and anxiety it usually carries around. While on my mat I am able to be present and engaged in the moment. When I took that mindful focus to the bedroom I was surprised to find my sensation and enjoyment of sex heightened. Releasing my mind from the noise of my day, allowed my body to melt into the pleasure and intimacy of sex with my husband.
Increases Flexibility – I have never been a flexible person. Just reaching out and touching my toes was a feat. The gentle stretching of yoga practice has improved my flexibility to not only touch my toes but also opened my hips, pelvic bowl and spinal column. As my hips and pelvic bowl open I can create more space for Handsome Husband to fill. Sexual positions that were uncomfortable or laughably out of reach before are now pleasurable and exciting.
Increases Strength and Balance – Several of the yoga positions focus on cultivating strength and balance. Plank position improves strength throughout the core as well as across the back and shoulders. This is perfect for improving stamina for performing oral sex when your partner is lying down. Warrior and Lunge series stimulated my hips and inner thighs to be able to lift and hold woman-on-top positions more easily. Shower sex improved after practicing balance positions like tree pose, chair pose, or Warrior III/ Airplane.
Improves Mood – After a good yoga workout, I walk off my mat feeling refreshed and energized. If I am lucky I can carry that good mood throughout the day. And if not, I have found that even simply sitting and breathing in stillness for a few minutes can bring me peace and calm. As I have a responsive sexual drive it is essential that my emotional state be in the right place before good sex can occur. Practicing yoga assists my mind to a better place more often, which leads to sexual intimacy more often.
Increases Confidence – My body shape and size are changing with regular exercise. Being more physically fit also increases my confidence. But also, as I practice yoga I am getting better at it. The day I was finally able to touch my head to my thigh in a half split, I was ecstatic. I had to call my husband to share my good news. Success in one area of life breeds confidence across many areas of our life. Feeling more confident about what my body can do in yoga lends itself to feeling more confident about the pleasure my body can both give and receive in our bedroom.
If these sound like benefits you want to pursue to improve your sex life, keep reading…
How to Get Started with a Yoga Practice
Equipment – You can do yoga nearly everywhere and it doesn’t require a lot of special equipment. Besides space to work in, these few items will enhance your practice.
Yoga Mat – Yoga mats provide a non-slip cushioned surface for you to practice on. They come in many materials including rubber, cotton, and jute. What type of mat you use is really just personal preference.
Block – Yoga blocks provide lift to help you move your body into correct alignment in the positions. They are especially helpful when you are just starting out, are not very flexible, or are trying out a new position. Yoga blocks can be made from wood, foam or wood.
Blanket or Towel – If you are new to sitting in a cross legged position, a small blanket or towel placed under your rear end will give you a little lift and take some pressure off your knees and hips allowing you to bring your spine more easily into alignment.
Favorite Online Yoga Teachers – Below are links to some of my favorite YouTube teachers if you prefer to practice in your own home. You could also sign up to take a class – many are offered through gyms, co-ops, dance studios, or continuing education forums.
Yoga with Adrienne – Gentle yoga with lots of cues for all levels of yoga practices. Adrienne is warm, funny and relatable.
I’ve been dipping my toes into Mindfulness for the last several months. I came to the concept of mindfulness mostly through yoga as an exercise form. Then Handsome Husband download the Headspace app for our whole family as a way to manage stress and anxiety and bring more peace into our home. But to my delight, I have also noticed surprising benefits to practicing mindfulness in my sexual connection with Handsome Husband.
What is Mindfulness?
Jon Kabat-Zinn, a founding father of the modern Mindfulness movement, defines – “Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.“
I also love this one from theblissfulmind.com – “A State of Being when your body and mind are in the same place at the same time.”
Has this ever happened to you?
I climbed into bed, my mind racing through the hustle and bustle of the day. I was upset over an interaction with one of my teenagers. Something Handsome Husband had said earlier in the evening rubbed me the wrong way. The never ending pile of To-Do’s was threatening to topple over and crush me. And I was tired. Then Handsome Husband leaned over with that look in his eyes and kissed me. I tried. I really tried. I tried to melt into his kisses and warm hands. But my mind was going a zillion directions and none of them toward sex. So…
I took a deep breath and asked him to give me 3 minutes. I settled into my meditating position and took 30 breaths. In and Out. Slowly. Focused. After those 30 breaths I turned back to Handsome Husband and kissed him fully. Now I was ready….
Attributes of Mindfulness
In his groundbreaking book “Full Catastrophe Living”, first published in 1990, Jon Kabat-Zinn outlines 7 Attitudes of Mindfulness. These foundational principles or attributes can act as a guide for our mind as we begin a practice of Mindfulness.
1. Non-Judging – Taking the stance of an impartial witness to your own experience.
2. Patience – Letting things unfold in their own time
3. Beginner’s Mind – Too often we let our thinking and our beliefs about what we ‘know’ stop us from seeing things as they really are.
4. Trust – Developing a basic trust in yourself and your feelings.
5. Non-Striving – Meditation has no goal other than for you to be yourself. The irony is you already are.
6. Acceptance – Seeing things as they actually are in the present.
7. Letting Go – We let things go and we just watch…
Mindfulness practice also uses several skills which help cultivate awareness in the present moment. Just a handful include:
Noticing without judgement – Notice the sounds in the room or outside. Notice the temperature of the air on your skin. Notice any smells or tastes. Notice when your thoughts pull you away from your focus on the present. Then, rather than putting a label like “good or bad” on a thought or feeling, try just noticing it as it is and let it pass through. Several mindfulness teachers use the example of watching cars or parade floats go by on the street while you sit and watch.
Breathing– One of my favorites. Focusing on the breath as it moves in and out helps calm and center my mind. Breaths can be full and deep, through the nose and out the mouth, relaxed and easy, or any combination.
Body Scan – Slowly scan your body with mental awareness from the soles of your feet to the crown of the head. Notice any feelings of tightness, discomfort, pain, ease or relaxation as you move up your body.
Return to Focus– As your mind inevitably wanders off, practice pulling your attention back to the moment, and then back again, and again.
Using Mindfulness to Improve My Sex Life
You can start by practicing the attributes and skills of Mindfulness in a controlled setting or jump right in and experiment with the practice in the bedroom.
Take time to settle the mind and body before approaching sex. Try taking a warm bath or shower. Do a little yoga or some stretches. If even 10 minutes sounds like a luxury, try a 3 minute meditation, focused breathing, or mindfulness app.
Notice – Sex is a smorgasbord for the senses. Notice the smell of your partner, the taste of their kiss. Notice the heat and pressure from their body or hands. Notice the sound and pace of your partner’s breathing, the little moans of enjoyment. Notice the sensations in your own body as your sexual arousal builds.
Return to Focus – As you notice your mind wandering away to the grocery list or dishes in the sink, gently pull it back to focus on this moment with your spouse.
Practice Non-judgement – Of yourself and your spouse. Don’t ruminate over the imperfections of your body. Listen with openness to suggestions or ideas from your partner, and from your own mind. Ask or notice what turns them on or what really feels good.
Cultivate a Beginner’s Mind – Do scripts, roles, or ways of “always doing it” stifle your lovemaking? Approach sexual exploration with your spouse from a place of wonder, noticing, and non-judgement. It is often only when in the midst of lovemaking that I can answer the question of “what I want” that night.
Breathing – When in doubt, return to the breath. Take deep, slow breaths to relax your body and open your mind to the feelings and sensations you are experiencing.
And remember, Mindfulness is a practice. And a more mindful approach to sex takes practice. Enjoy the journey! I’d love to hear how mindfulness is enhancing your sexual relationship. Comment below or subscribe above to receive more article like this.
Love, Leigh
Want to Know More…. Check out the material I referenced above and some of my favorite Mindfulness helps here:
I am writing in response to your question “Where did our sex life go?” I hear your frustration. Your wife is always tired or preoccupied or just not interested in sex. You feel like you help out around the house and support her in her mothering. But you have needs to. You want to feel wanted, to be pursued, to be desired. You don’t want to be a footnote of her day. You want an engaged partner. You want fun and excitement again.
We’ve been there, Handsome Husband and I. For years we had this cyclical fight. The one where Handsome Husband would tell me that he needed more sex, more spontaneity, more spark. And, I would cry – feeling not good enough, not sexy enough, and mostly just overwhelmed. During those fights Handsome Husband and I talked past each other, not really hearing one another. I will address how I learned to “hear” my husband in another post. But in this one, I hope to express a few things I hope you will “hear” about your wife:
She is exhausted.
And I don’t mean just tired. She is bone-weary, butt dragging exhausted. Night time wakings, late nights, early mornings are wearing her down. She survives on caffeinated beverages and dry shampoo. She runs from carpool to play dates, groceries to library time, making dinner to cleaning up the playdoh and Sharpie explosion. Heaven help her if she works outside of the home or goes to school on top of it. Survival is her top priority. And her greatest wish is a long nap.
She is in touch overload.
Nursing babies tug at her breasts and wear out her arms. Toddlers climb up, over and around her like a jungle gym. One child constantly hangs on her legs as she shuffles around the kitchen. Sticky hands touch her face. Grubby fingers play in her hair. All day she is picking up, holding, rocking, patting, consoling, and hugging. At the end of the day she needs some time to sit alone and not be touched.
She has lost her “self”.
Mom, chauffeur, nurse, referee, Mom, maid, playmate, personal shopper, Mom, diaper changer, chef, sous chef, and prep cook, Mom, cleaning lady, and more. The constant going, doing, serving, and helping sometimes smothers any sense of who she is and what she likes.
She is mourning her pre-baby body.
Sure there are a few lucky women who bounce back into their skinny jeans and washboard abs. But for most of us, motherhood adds pounds, wrinkles, saggy skin, stretch marks, and varicose veins. Add to that a diet of leftover chicken nuggets, fruit snacks and Diet Coke and her health takes a back seat to mothering. This body doesn’t look like the one you married and she knows it. It is hard to let that image go.
She is weighed down by the “Mom guilt.”
She knows she is blessed to be a mom. This is what she wanted. This is what she chose. And therein lies the guilt. Guilt for having all that she wanted and yet just craving a little break, a time out. Guilt for feeling like she is not doing enough, not giving enough, that she is not enough.
But Do Not Feardear husband.
All is not lost. Handsome Husband and I found our way through those challenging years and so will you. But maybe… not just yet. However, I also know dear husband that you are a “fixer”, you want solutions. And so, I offer a few suggestions to bring some spark and excitement back into your sexual relationship?
Redefine your expectations. Remember back in college or single life when you lived on frozen pizzas, burritos, and Ramen. Remember when dining on a home-cooked, well balanced meal was a luxury. In previous posts I have used the comparison of sexual encounters and dining options. Sometimes love making may be a luxurious 5 course meal at a fancy restaurant on linen covered table and with crystal stemware. And sometimes you are staring at the Dollar Menu of McDonald’s looking for something just to quench your appetite. While your family is young and growing, expecting the 5 course meal experience with every sexual encounter will leave you frustrated and disappointed. But speed eating Dollar Menu fare all the time will leave you empty and disconnected from your spouse. Recalibrate your expectations for sexual intimacy to include nourishing home cooked meals, interspersed with quick snacks, and the occasional 5 course delight. And those special times when you are served filet mignon on fine china, savor every single bite.
Be her Hero. You know the old joke about a wife seeing her husband doing dishes being her best aphrodisiac. For many women this is very true. When she sees you doing household chores she feels nurtured and appreciated. As you step up and step in to lighten the load of household chores especially in the evening, you are paving the way for more “couple time”. Maybe offer to put the kids to bed and encourage her to take a bath or watch her favorite show. But be wary of the mindset that if I do X you will give me sex.
Give her the gift of “Me time.” Time away from the home and kids offers your wife 2 things – a break from the ordinary and the opportunity to develop and explore her interests. Back when our kids were tiny, I was invited to join a scrapbooking group that met one Friday night a month. Oh, how I looked forward to that evening. Not a lot of scrapbooking got done but after an evening of laughing and chatting with friends I returned home energized, enthusiastic, and feeling much more like my “self.” Renewed and refreshed from “me time” I had lots of energy for “we time.”
Express love for and compliment more than just her body. Avoid the trap of saying that you “love her anyway” or that you “don’t care” about changes in her post-baby body. She will either feel your comments are disingenuous or dismissive of her feelings. Instead, focus your compliments and praise on her character traits, physical characteristics that didn’t change like beautiful eyes or kissable lips, or new skills and love you see in her mothering.
Listen, Listen and Listen some more. I know that many men are innately wired to be “fixers”. Resist the urge. When your wife opens up, complains or even just vents to you – Just listen. Don’t offer suggestions or advice unless she asks you. Most likely the mere act of vocalizing her problems will help her gain perspective and work through her own solutions.
Whisk her away regularly ( at least twice a year or as frequently as you can.) Call the grandparents. Hire a college student to watch your kids. Spend the money, even if it is just a night in a hotel in your hometown. And don’t make her plan it. You do it. This tells her that she is important. She is loved. Let her take a long nap first. And she will most likely reciprocate with the lovemaking you have been looking for.
I know young parenthood is a challenging time. I also know that you can make it. Lean In to each other. And I’d love to hear feedback or suggestions in the comments below.
Somewhere between starting my blog in 2017 and the end of 2018 I got sucked into the glitz and glamour of the “blogging world.” I got caught up in wanting to “be an expert”, “look like a pro”, “design eye catching Pins”, “bump up my SEO optimization”, “use Canva like a boss”, and “picking the optimal WordPress Theme.” ( Just to name a few of the topics from my Pinterest Blogosphere board.) All of the technicalities and prettiness of blogging wooed me away… and filled me with anxiety at the same time.
Did I look/sound professional? Was my blog eye-catching and interesting? Did I know what I was talking about? Did I sound dumb? Did anyone want to read what I had to say?
It became harder and harder for me to want to sit down at my computer to write. And the pressure of “posting regularly” would keep me from posting at all.
So I took some time off. I stepped back and enjoyed my family, my kids, and my holidays. I made a vision board for the New Year. I set a word of intention rather than a list of goals. And I renewed my focus for my blog. I went back to my first “About Me” post and distilled it down into a Mission Statement.
The purpose of my blog is: To share my story, resources I have found helpful, and my thoughts and ideas in an effort to help someone else in their journey.
And then I wrote my mission statement on a little note-card and propped it up on my Happy Light next to my computer. And I wrote this post.
And so in 2020, I am setting out to try again. To remain true to my Mission Statement and the reason I started blogging in the first place. I hope you will join me in the journey. And if what I say isn’t speaking to you, I wish you the best in finding truth that does.
Building Intimacy in your marriage is a skill that can be worked on at any stage. But the Newlywed period is an excellent time to put extra effort into building a foundation of intimacy. You are your spouse are getting to know each other on a whole new level, and not just sexually. You are combining lives, households, schedules, bank accounts and more. This newlywed period can also bring its own set of challenges. Some of the rougher areas of our personality (ahem socks on the floor or chronic lateness) that were glossed over or ignored during dating can begin to rear their ugly heads. Now is the time to work together to build a foundation of intimacy that will carry you through the ups and downs of your life together.
What is intimacy?
In “The What and How of True Intimacy”, Marie Hartwell- Walker defines Intimacy as “deeply knowing another person and being deeply known.” Dr. Corey Allen from the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast flips it into the words “In-to-Me-See” . Dr. Allen often talks about intimacy as “Seeing and being seen. Knowing and being known.” Intimate relationships are different than all other relationships because they require levels of trust and vulnerability to share the deepest parts of ourselves, the good and the bad. Intimacy is not slipping into roles or acting on what only we or our partner want. Intimacy is not separate people living in a shared space. Intimacy is the transformation of me and you into “us”.
Invite God into your Relationship
In a world where Hallmark and other movies proclaim that soul mates are found – I propose the idea that soulmates are made. In my faith tradition, the soul of a person is comprised of both the body and the spirit. Therefore to have a soulmate a couple must unite not only their bodies but also their spirits. Spiritual unification comes when a couple enters into partnership with God who then sanctifies and purifies our spirits to join together.
Wendy Watson Nelson shared, “Marital intimacy is ordained by God. It is commanded and commended by Him because it draws a husband and wife closer together and closer to the Lord! True marital intimacy involves the whole soul of each spouse. It is the uniting of the body and the spirit of the husband with the body and the spirit of his wife.” (World Wide Devotional January 8, 2017)
Inviting God into your marriage endows it with a power greater than the two of you alone. Learn to tap into the power and blessings that God has for your marriage.
Pray with and for your spouse.
Read scripture and other uplifting books together.
Attend worship services together.
Seek God’s help and direction as you make decisions together.
Strive to treat your spouse as a beloved child of God.
Allow God to work in and through your marriage to change you.
Cleave Unto Each Other
Genesis 2:24 KJV teaches “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
In the very beginning, Adam and Eve were taught that the actions of “leaving” and “cleaving” would bring them intimacy. Intimacy requires that the new “us”, the “one flesh”, that Genesis describes be different than the individuals we were before marriage. The marriage relationship is one set apart from all other relationships. Prior relationships like family, friends and co-workers now take a step back in primacy from this new marriage relationship. Now, I am not advocating for a severing of ties with friends and family. Rather I am promoting the “cleaving” or joining unto one’s spouse as the most important person in their lives. What might this look like?
Family traditions may need to be adjusted or abandoned in favor of new couple traditions
Fights or disagreements between spouses should not be aired in friend or family groups
Hobbies, interests and outside commitments may need to be evaluated and winnowed to allow for strong couple time
Individual goals and dreams may need to be adjusted to encompass new couple goals and dreams
Differences are OK
After the prior discussion on “cleaving” with your spouse, you might be thinking “Huh, I thought I was supposed to leave my individuality to meet my spouse.” Yes and No. Another word for cleaving is “joining”, as in joining two separate pieces to become one. But it is not a swallowing up of one by the other. One spouse should not domineer while the other spouse recedes. In order for spouses to fully join together in an intimate relationship they have to recognize that they are different selves, choosing to join together, as equal parts of a whole.
Therefore in order to “See and be Seen, Know and Be Known” we have to come to see and know ourselves. The Newlywed period is a time for you to peel back the curtains and explore your own sexuality within your marriage. If you and or your spouse entered your marriage with limited sexual expression a full bodied exploration may seem daunting at first. Rather, I advocate for a mindful approach based more in noticing. Notice what arousal feels like. Notice what kinds of stimulation ( visual, touch, auditory, taste, smells etc.) enhance or decrease your arousal. Notice which positions are most comfortable or enjoyable for you. Notice what makes you feel loved, appreciated and cherished. These are all facets of your unique sexuality.
Then as you are coming to know your own sexuality, the vulnerability and trust of intimacy allows your spouse the room to lean into theirs as well. Chances are that different touches, stimuli, and activities will be pleasurable to each of you. And that is OK. Rather than wanting your spouse to be a clone of you… relish and cherish the differences. True intimacy offers a couple a wider sexual palette to explore together.
Celebrate your Spouse
Intimacy allows a couple to celebrate and cherish the differences in each other while at the same time bringing those differences together to create the new “us” of marriage. Celebrating your spouse requires that you first notice the unique offerings of your spouse. These can be sexual as well as physical, mental and emotional. Once noticed these unique aspects of your spouse should be acknowledged. This lets your spouse see that you are Seeing them, and Knowing Them.
Compliment your spouse on character traits you notice and appreciate.
Describe physical traits of your spouse that you enjoy. Perhaps even make a foreplay game of kissing, licking or stroking each of those areas while you describe them.
Praise your spouse for accomplishments, (especially in public).
Celebrate academic success, job promotions, birthdays and holidays.
Discover your spouse’s Love Language and make a concerted effort to show them love in their language.
Whatever the stage of life you are in, the foundation of intimacy you build now will be a strength and support to your marriage through the ups and downs of the rest of your lives together. I would love to hear your thoughts on building intimacy in the comments below.
Handsome Husband and I recently celebrated our 20th anniversary. Wow! 20 years. How does that happen? I wish I had something profound to say, but all I can think of is “one day at a time.” Looking back we have had good days and bad. Loving times and fights. But over the past 20 years Handsome Husband and I have grown together in love, companionship and in our sexual relationship. Much of this blog is dedicated to talking about how we have worked our way through the tough spots in our marriage, especially in our sexual relationship. In that vein, I have been pondering what my married 20-years self would tell my new-bride self on how to have a sexually fulfilling marriage. From that thought experiment was born:
1. The Honeymoon is the beginning, not the pinnacle of married sex. Despite what the movies and media tell you – Sex is not innate, easy and natural. While sexual desire and arousal may be innate, the act of sex is more of a skill… like skiing or learning to paint. Sure you grasp the concept easily – ‘point skis downhill’ or ‘apply paint to canvas’ is like ‘insert penis into vagina’. But like skiing or painting, sex is a progression of knowledge, technique and proficiency coupled with passion and intimacy. In the beginning, sex will be awkward, and weird, and maybe not very pleasurable. And that’s ok. Relax, laugh together, and enjoy the beginning of your sexual life together.
2. Slow down. Many anxious and amped up new husbands can easily rush through arousal and foreplay into intercourse and orgasm leaving many new brides feeling hurt and confused as to why that wasn’t very pleasurable for her. Remember that while arousal may be almost instantaneous for a young male, full arousal for the female takes 10-20 minutes. Signs of sexual arousal for males are very visible – erect penis. But for wives arousal is more nuanced. The outer and inner labia or lips will engorge and retract “opening up” the vulva. Special glands will begin producing lubrication or wetness. The clitoris will will engorge and become erect. While an un-aroused wife is capable of having intercourse, it is exponentially more pleasurable for her once she is fully engorged and lubricated. For a more in-depth discussion on female sexual arousal read “Sex Ed 101: A Primer on Her.”
3. Explore and relish in each other’s bodies. And I am not just talking about genitals here. Your spouse’s whole body is new terrain for you to explore, delight in and love. Take time to undress each other. Give each other massages. Finger-tip trace their eyes, nose, lips, ears and neck. Discover your partner’s erogenous zones, areas that are more sensitive to touch and can enhance sexual excitement: ears, lips, the back of the neck, inner forearms, inner thighs, buttocks, small of the back, stomach, breasts and nipples ( even for husbands)… Each person has different areas that will respond to touch. Have fun exploring. Touch. Kiss. Hug. Stroke. Kiss. Hug. Repeat. Practice mindfully being in the moment of touch, experiencing those feelings and pleasures, not rushing toward a goal.
4. Lie in bed naked for hours at a time. While it is true that you can’t have intercourse the whole time on your honeymoon, you can be sexually intimate for most of that time. Rain-check the parasailing, scuba diving, or 4-wheeling adventure for a later date. Spend your honeymoon adventure getting to know each other intimately. Optional activities could be watching movies snuggled together, talking, playing board games, or reading marriage and intimacy books together. For the hours outside of your room opt for low-key activities such as sightseeing, taking walks, having dinner, or other activities where you can hold hands and talk – truly spending time with each other. After the honeymoon, real life starts – jobs, school, obligations, and kids will inevitably get in the way of your couple time. The honeymoon is your special time as a couple to build and strengthen your marriage bond. Take advantage of every minute together.
5. Make adjustments to positions. Don’t expect to be perfect or even good at sex for a while. It can feel awkward, like you are playing a strange game of Twister acrobatics. Don’t be afraid to move an arm or a leg or rotate body parts until it is comfortable for both partners. Many couples start with a man on top position such as “missionary”. Other couples prefer “woman on top positions” that can help the wife control the speed and depth of penetration. On our honeymoon I suffered through an awkward missionary position – with my legs up like in the stirrups of the gynecologist’s table – leading to Handsome Husband’s hip bones digging painfully into my thighs for a week or so until I learned to relax my knees a bit and let my hips rotate open like in modified butterfly position. Don’t be like me. If it hurts, try something else.
6. Learn to Orgasm. While orgasm shouldn’t be the measure of sex, it is like the cherry on top and very enjoyable. Orgasms help both husband and wife feel both sexually fulfilled and that they are fulfilling their partner. Again, for many men this can be pretty straight forward- stimulation of the penis equals orgasm/ejaculation. However, most women cannot orgasm by intercourse alone. While the vagina has a limited number of nerve receptors, the clitoris has about 8,000. Women generally require stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm. This is often most easily accomplished with manual stimulation. Try sitting next to each other with wife wrapped in the husband’s arms. This position allows closeness, kissing and easy accessibility. Go slow. The wife may need to guide her husband’s hand in touching and caressing by placing her hand directly over his. Allow the outer lips to become engorged and lubricated before stimulating the clitoris. Many wives cannot handle direct stimulation of the glans of the clitoris and it may need to be stimulated through the clitoral hood. Couples may also need extra lubrication. Let the wife be the guide in how fast or slow, hard or soft, whether circles or up and down movements are pleasurable. It is Important for the wife to experience and become familiar with her arousal pattern. For me I feel like an old fashioned roller coaster car being slowly pulled to the top of the hill. My car can get side tracked and off course, but slowly the arousal and excitement builds until the coaster car crests and rushes down through the orgasm. Achieving orgasm is often about releasing control of my thoughts and inhibitions and just letting my body experience the feeling and pleasure.
7. Talk. Talk. Talk some more. Truly communicate. Be open and honest. Everyone comes into marriage with preconceived notions regarding sex. Sometimes partners can also bring feelings of shame or guilt. But marital sex is a long game. It is about learning and growing together. Talking openly and honestly allows each partner a safe place to be vulnerable enough to express desires, express enjoyment, express love, and express thanks. Having open, safe communication lines in marriage deepens the experience of sex into true Intimacy.
8. Keep an open mind. Society, media, friends, and the church have all played a role in conditioning you to believe that sex is x,y, z. And your spouse has a different set of conditioning that lead them to believe that sex is a,b,c. Maybe you believe that sex is only intercourse. Or that oral sex is dirty. Or that oral sex is fun but anal sex is taboo. I love this definition of sex from Jessa Zimmerman, sex therapist and couple’s counselor, “ Sex is sharing pleasure and connection.” One of the joys of marital intimacy is the individuality of your marriage bed, where you and your spouse can learn and explore together. Some sex acts may initially make you recoil or cringe at the thought. Take time to evaluate your reaction, explore the conditioning behind it, and maybe even test the water. For more ideas on addressing sexual taboos in marriage read “Is This Ok? Tackling Sexual Taboos in the Marriage Bed.”
And 2 practical tips:
9. Sex is Messy. Ejaculate may contain up to 2 Tablespoons of Fluid. Both males and females secrete lubrication. In addition, extra lubrication may be needed to keep both partners comfortably enjoying the sexual encounter. Keep toilet paper, wipes, or a towel close by for easy clean-up. And if you do happen to create a wet spot in the bed, don’t stress about it and slide over for a little snuggle time.
10. Urinate after intercourse, manual or oral stimulation. The female urethra, the tube from the bladder to the outside, is only 4 cm compared to the male urethra at 20 cm. The urethral opening is located midway between the clitoris and vagina, right in the fun zone. Bacteria from either partner can make the short trip up the urethra, producing a urinary tract infection or a UTI. Voiding or urinating after any sexual play flushes out the stray bacteria. Then come back to bed for snuggle time. A urinary tract infection is a painful interrupter to the joyful time that your honeymoon should be.
I hope these tips will help you and your spouse achieve a more joyful sexual intimacy at whatever stage of life you are in. I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas by commenting below. If you like what you’ve read please subscribe in the box at the top of the page.
