This is the fourth and final in a series of blog posts entitled “My Husband is Addicted to Pornography.” If you haven’t yet, I urge you to read parts 1, 2 and 3: “Discovery and Devastation” ,”Finding Help and Hope” and “Disclosure and Building Trust”. This series of posts remains raw and so personal; I fear that my words stumble over themselves and I hope that my message will get through. I write out of my experience and learning, hoping to help and inspire others whose marriages have been devastated by pornography. I generally use the terms “Husband” to talk about the pornography user and “Wife” as the spouse of the user, because this is my experience and I can only write about what I know. I am not a marriage and family therapist or counselor of any kind. I am a wife who has been through the deep valley and come out into the light on the other side. The links to articles or websites are those that I have found personally helpful in this healing journey and do not represent professional advice. I hope that reading my experience will encourage other couples that they are not alone, there is help, there is healing, and your marriage can survive and thrive after pornography.
Even though my Discovery of Husband’s pornography addiction happened 16 years ago, my own recovery from that trauma and journey to a healthier sexuality only took off about 3-4 years ago. Now, I am not saying the sex or the relationship of our marriage was all bad from years 4-16. It wasn’t, sometimes it was really great. But because I didn’t deal with all of those “Big Feelings” that came with the pornography Discovery they morphed into Gremlins. What are Gremlins? If you are old like me, you may remember the movie from 1984 where cute little puffballs turn into terrifying reptilian monsters when you feed them after midnight. Gremlins occur when Big Feeling don’t get validated and addressed. They turn into those ugly voices in my head that say mean and hurtful things to me. Sometimes my Gremlins say things like:
- You aren’t sexy/Look at your flabby stomach, small breasts, cottage cheese thighs…
- Handsome Husband doesn’t really love “You”; He just likes sex
- You don’t matter/ You are not important/ Everyone would be better off without you
- You don’t satisfy Handsome Husband. That’s why he turns to porn.
- Sex is Dirty/ Only Bad Girls Like Sex/ Trying (That Thing) Is a Sin
And I listened to them. I believed them.
Some of my Gremlins came from my family of origin where sex was rarely discussed and then only as a taboo subject or portrayed as sinful and wrong. Some of my Gremlins come from body shaming and poor self esteem. And some of my Gremlins come from not dealing with Handsome Husband’s Pornography Addiction well.
Moving through those years after I discovered Handsome Husband’s pornography addiction we still had sex all the time. I never said “No”, but we fought about sex pretty often. Every 3-6 months we would have the screaming, crying, snotty nose fight late into the night. He was always pushing me to initiate more, be more sexy, striptease, wear lingerie etc, try new things. The words he said over and over were “You don’t love me” and “You don’t desire me.” That was the feeling he had received from porn. He felt desired. He felt wanted. But I didn’t hear him.
We cycled like this for almost 14 years. Even though Handsome Husband was working through his addiction and doing really well, I kept moving through all the stages of “What Not To Do.” Maybe you have also fallen into some of these unhealthy patterns.
- The Warden – I researched the right filters and blocks to install. I went through and deleted any image in our photo cache remotely related to women. I monitored when he was on the computer or what shows he watched. (We were pre-smart phone or I would have been all over that.) I was all about controlling access.
- Make Him Be Righteous – I ramped up the scripture reading and pushed religious based books and articles about pornography addiction at Handsome Husband. I hounded him about attending religious activities.
- Shaming – I couldn’t discuss the pornography without turning into a crying, blaming, shaming, snotty mess. This only made him feel like a pile of poop. Without someone to talk to, the Shame Cycle would sometimes push him back to pornography.
- Blaming Myself – I shouldered the burden of pornography as if Handsome Husband’s actions were my fault. I was not sexy enough, I was not warm enough, I was not available enough. Blaming myself activated my own shame cycle which pushed me further away from him.
- Comparing Myself – I knew that my body would never stack up to implanted, liposuctioned, air-brushed porn images. Comparing myself to that unrealistic model multiplied my own body shaming. I couldn’t enjoy sharing my body with Handsome Husband when all I could think about was that he was disappointed in me.
- Cold Heartedness”– Sometimes I shut down emotionally. I shut him out. I gave the silent treatment. I withheld genuine affection and warmth. My body was available for sex but my heart was not.
Over those years, I tried to implement all of the things Handsome Husband was begging for. I initiated multiple times a week. I read lots of books on sex and sexuality. I bought and wore the sexy lingerie. I tried 101 new sex positions, this and that technique to ‘blow his mind’ tonight, and all of those other Cosmo cover-style tips. But over and over we had the fights. He didn’t feel loved. He didn’t feel desired. Until, one day – or maybe it was over the course of some time 🙂 -the light finally pierced through the all negative self talk and patterns of fear. I realized:
I couldn’t give Love out of a place of emptiness, control and fear.
Loving Sex had to come from a place of fullness, faith and light.
The only person I could change was ME.
And so the journey began.
In the next few posts I hope to cover some of the things I have learned about how to have sex from a place of love rather than a place of fear. I hope that you come back.
Love,
Leigh